"Who Pooped the Bed?" is the seventh episode of the fourth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Frank and Charlie find that someone has defecated in their bed and Mac and Dennis join them as they attempt to catch the culprit. Meanwhile, Dee leads Artemis and the Waitress on a "Sex and the City"-style night on the town.
1:30 PM on a Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA
At Paddy's, Sweet Dee suggests to Mac and Dennis that they try a new martini bar that's just opened. The boys are completely put off by the idea. Mac cites the inability to predict the future and Dennis believes Dee is just trying to feel sophisticated after having watched the new Sex in the City movie. Before the conversation can go any further, Frank and Charlie burst in hollering at each other about which one of them had pooped in their bed. It comes out in the argument that the poo has occurred two nights in a row. Dee is disgusted when Charlie reveals that they've brought the feces to the bar in a plastic, sealed container. Mac and Dennis are intrigued and want to help Charlie and Frank solve the case. Without hesitation, Mac and Dennis choose to solve the who pooed it instead of accompanying Dee on a night out.
Dee immediately tries to recruit some women to help her live her Sex in the City fantasy. Her SHORTlist is basically just the Waitress, who tells Dee that not only does she not want to go out with her, but that she actually hates her. Dee blows off the objection and tosses it off to girls just being catty. The Waitress switches tactics and claims she has other plans. Dee trounces the attempt when she reveals Charlie's notebook that details all of The Waitress's activities. A deal is begrudgingly struck when Dee tells The Waitress that she can have Charlie's stalker notebook so long as she goes out with her that night.
The guys and Frank, meanwhile, have approached a University scientist in his lab with the poo sample. They would like the stool analyzed. Not willing to disgrace his profession, the scientist invites all of them to leave. They are intercepted by a kid in a neck tie who is willing to check out the sample. Under a magnifying glass, the kid determines that the turd isn't from a healthy person. He also cites some very anomalous diet remains within it -- including newspaper, a piece of a credit card, and wolf hair. Charlie and Frank admit that the evidence is not conclusive enough and announce to everyone that the poo could belong to either of them. This prompts them to request a DNA test for the fecal matter. The kid admits that he's not a true scientist, just an econ major who likes to look at poo. They're distressed to realize that their one poo sample has been ruined.
That night, at Bleu Martini, Dee is in full-effect trying to live as a sophisticated single New York woman out with her friends. While Artemis overdoes flirting with men at another table, The Waitress needs Dee to explain Artemis' role in the group again. She explains happily that Artemis is the "sassy one who always plays by her own rules". They are joined by the single Artemis. Dee attempts to start a fashion conversation with Artemis, but is shot down with the cold reality that Artemis' top is from Burlington Coat Factory. Dee enthusiastically orders cosmopolitans for herself and her "girlfriends." The Waitress insists on water and states that she has a drinking problem. Dee dismisses the water order and insists The Waitress have a cosmopolitan. When The Waitress objects, Dee just tells her not to drink it and just hold it. When the men come to their table to flirt, Artemis spoils everything when she announces that she has "a bleached asshole."
Dennis and Mac, having lost the sample, believe the only way to solve the case is to watch Frank and Charlie sleep. They are shocked to realize that Frank and Charlie share the same fold out couch bed every night. The process of Frank and Charlie sleeping together fascinates the two of them. They observe the two suspects demonstrating the positions they sleep in, but the evidence is less than satisfying. Dennis and Mac resolve themselves to staying up all night to see which culprit is responsible for pooing in their sleep. As Charlie and Frank sleep, Mac is crashing fast. A suspicious fart sound from the fold out couch yields no result. Dennis admits that they probably should have planned to watch in shifts and encourages Mac to take a nap first. After deducing that Charlie's floor is covered in sand, spices, or pesticide, Mac opts to sleep on Frank's side of the fold out bed. The next morning, Dennis has curled up on Charlie's side of the bed and Mac wakes up to a horrible smell. He quickly digs through the blankets to find that the poo has returned. While everyone slept, someone laid a turd in the night right between Charlie and Frank.
Dee has been out with her crew all night and they've ended up at a swank shoe store. She complains to her companions that they need to start acting with more class. This prompts Artemis to defend her offensive "bleached asshole" remark.
The Waitress drinks from a fifth of gin or vodka and is obviously very drunk. Dee remarks that the Waitress needs to learn to hold her booze better. This makes The Waitress volatile and she drunkenly twists Dee's remark to spit it back in her face. Dee shrugs off her friends and asks the store clerk for Manolos. The clerk insultingly suggests her try a Big n' Tall store when she learns Dee's shoe size is a whopping 13. This angers the Waitress who drunkenly tries to smash her glass bottle over the clerk's head. Dee insists that Artemis escort The Waitress outside as she continues to shop. Dee crams her feet into a pair of chic shoes. She notes that they are snug but she'll make do. In obvious pain, she approaches the counter to have the clerk run her credit card in the amount of $700.00. The card is declined. Dee plays it off and gives the clerk another card. When the clerk turns to run the card, Dee bolts for the door. She is unable to run in the incredibly tight shoes. As soon as she hits the pavement outside, she slides head first into a parked car. When she slams her skull into the car door, its alarm goes off. The clerk encounters her on the sidewalk and Dee asks her "did it not go through?"
At Paddy's Pub, the boys are getting nowhere with a bulletin board designed to cross-reference the suspects. The poo case is wearing on their collective nerves, which causes Frank and Charlie to yell at each other. Dennis suggests that each culprit produce a "fresh" sample and they will compare what's produced with what was found in the bed that morning. Mac points out that any crapping will have to happen where everyone can see to ensure that each sample can be verified with its owner. Frank argues that he cannot produce a sample right away. Charlie dares Frank to try when he says "I can probably squeeze somethin' out." Mac runs to get newspaper.
Dee, Artemis, and the soused Waitress arrive to the pub. Dee is unhappy about going to where she works to drink. The Waitress slurs her logic at the choice because at Paddy's they can drink for free. Dee lets it slip that she still doesn't know the Waitress' name and all three women enter the pub to find Charlie squatting over newspaper in an attempt to take a dump.
Charlie, upon seeing The Waitress, quickly hops up and pulls up his pants. She goes behind the bar.
In a hurry to make his position seem less childish, Charlie explains that he had just won an endurance competition in the bar. The Waitress helps herself to a full glass of vodka or gin and chugs it down. She digs Charlie's stalker notebook out of Dee's handbag and explains that she's taking a bottle, the notebook, getting more wasted, and "bang some random dude." Charlie's attempt to be the random guy falls flat and The Waitress excuses herself from the scene.
Artemis is fascinated with the poo case and wants to help the men solve it. Dee angrily tells everyone within earshot that she will find her sophisticated life without him or her. She cites their fascination with poop specifically as one of the reasons she must go it alone. Dee storms out of Paddy's Pub to find her "Sex and the City" life.
She checks herself into an art show and attempts to hobnob with a high society man she finds there. Dee pretends to know something about art and as the two of them discuss the piece before them, she realizes its covered in poo. The more she looks around, the more horrified she becomes. All of the art seems to somehow reflect the shape of a turd. There is even a painting that seems to be a piece of fecal matter floating. Dee's exit from the art show is far from quiet. She openly shrieks as she runs out of the building.
At the pub, the crime solvers have been at it all day and are ready to call it a night. Dee bursts into the pub and concedes defeat to the gang. This proclamation gets little reaction from anyone. The lights suddenly go out due to a thunderstorm and when the lights come up again another turd has mysteriously appeared. Artemis determines that the criminal is in the room.
She walks the entire Gang through a series of theories and scenarios. Each story she tells has a degree of plausibility. The theories are demonstrated in story sequences that reflect such locations as Frank and Charlie's place, Mac and Dennis' place, the streets of Philadelphia (naturally, with the "street rat" Rickety Cricket), and even the shoe store Dee visited that day.
Once all of the theories have been heard, Frank dismisses all of them and admits that he produced every bit of poop in question. He even announces that he laid another one while Artemis was finishing her speech. When pressed for a motive, Frank laughs and explains to the rest of the Gang and Artemis that "poop is funny". Everyone agrees with Frank and has a good laugh - except for Dee. ("I hate my life... ") The last second, Charlie gets serious and say to Frank: "Seriously, dude - don't ever poop in our bed again".
- Mary Elizabeth Ellis as The Waitress
- Artemis Pebdani as Artemis Dubois
- David Hornsby as Rickety Cricket
- Fran Kranz as College Student
- Will Beinbrink as 1st Man at Art Show
- Douglad Park as 2nd Man at Art Show
- Jason Duplissea as Scientist
- Laurie Searle as Shoe Saleswoman
- Brady Matthews as Man in Nightclub
- Hollie Stenson as Woman at Art Show
- In this episode, Dee desperately trying to living the "high life" because she recently watched "Sex and the City" movie, based on a famous HBO comedy series of the same name.
- This episode have a production code IP04007 - i.e. it supposed to go AFTER "An Erotic Life" episode (IP04005): here's how Dee knows about Charlie's "stalking notebook".
- "Allegro" from the 1st Movement ("Spring") of Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" plays during Dee's
"poop-freak-out" at the modern art exposition.
- In this episode, the Waitress meets Artemis for the very first time.
- Artemis claims to have a bleached asshole. Good to know.
- Kaitlin Olson did the stunt in which Dee goes head-first into a parked car when she tries to steal the shoes herself. The dent her head leaves in the car is real: the car was not prepared in any way to do that, and it was not dented before she hit it.
- The area where Dee jumps out and scares the waitress is the same area where Charlie jumps out and scares her in the episode, The Nightman Cometh.
- There is a sign on the wall of the art gallery where Dee ends up freaking out that reads, in French, "L'art est merde, coucher de nouveau." This reporter's best efforts at translating through Google Translate and other sources indicate that it means something like "Art is shit, go back to bed", but a better translation, by someone who actually speaks French, would be appreciated.
- (A college student is examining the turd The Gang brought in for testing.)
- Student: OK, well, it's definitely poop...
- Mac: Uh, yeah, we know that, guy...
- Student: Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
- Dennis: OK, well, now we're getting somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddam newspaper?
- Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude.
- Dennis: Really?
- Charlie: Sorry. Yeah, what else?
- Student: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
- Frank: Inconclusive.
- Dennis: How is that not specific to one of you?
- Charlie: I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
- Student: Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool.
- Charlie: Of course there is.
- Student: Whoever's this is should see a doctor.
- Charlie: Well, don't give us judgments, just tell us what's in there. What's in there? What else?
- Student: This is wolf hair?
- Charlie: Wolf hair, mm-hmm.
- Frank: Also inconclusive.
- Dennis: Jesus Christ!
- Mac: You knew there was wolf hair?
- Charlie: There is so much wolf hair in our apartment.
- Dennis: But why are you eating it?
- Charlie: It gets in everything.
- Mac: Both of you are eating wolf?
- Frank: We had a wolf in our apartment.
- Mac: Guys! This is getting us nowhere. Can we move on to the DNA test?
- Charlie: Can you do a DNA test?
- Dennis: That's a good idea.
- Student: Yeah, I can't do that.
- Dennis: What do you mean? Aren't you a scientist?
- Charlie: Yeah, do it.
- Student: No, I'm an econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop.
- Artemis: These guys are playing hard to get. I'm gonna take off my bra and blast my nips!
- Artemis: (smiling at guys she just met at a club) Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole...
- (Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop)
- Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
- Dee: No, I didn't.
- Artemis: The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out, you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the... chocolate variety!
- (Frank is confessing to being the one who pooped the bed)
- Frank: Nah, I did it.
- Dennis: What?
- Frank: I did 'em all. I did all the poops.
- Mac: Really?
- Frank: Yeah, I did every one of 'em. I even did one while she was wrappin' up right here.
- (He points to a turd on the floor, to which the Gang reacts with horror)
- Charlie: Oh my God. Why would you do that, dude?
- Frank: Because poop is funny!
- (The entire Gang, with the exception of Dee, starts to laugh)
- Charlie: I guess you're right. Poop is funny!
- Mac: Yeah, pooping on the floor is funny.
- Charlie: Well played, my man.
- Dee: (dejectedly) I hate my life.
- Charlie: Seriously, dude, don't ever poop in our bed again.