"The Waitress is Getting Married" is the fifth episode of the fifth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
12:30 PM on a Saturday
Back at Paddy's, Charlie works on knocking a hornet's nest from the ceiling. Dee calls Dennis and Mac into the office where she breaks them the news. They fear Charlie might go postal and murder them if he finds out, so they decide to find him a new girl to stalk. Dee says she will try to derail the wedding, and the guys laugh at her.
At Charlie's apartment, he tries to smoke the hornets to death with a cigarette and a cardboard box so he can get to their honey. Mac and Dennis help him write an online biography for an online dating site, but after he delivers several terrible answers they decide to make it all up for him.
Dee drives around looking for Brad and the Waitress and parks in the middle of the street to invite them to her apartment for her bachelorette party. At the party, Dee convinces Charlie's mom to get drunk and yell at the Waitress for breaking Charlie's heart, and Mrs. Mac to convince Brad that the Waitress will grow old to look like herself. Frank and Artemis make out during the party and Dee's plans fall apart when Bonnie tosses her drink on Dee's face. The Waitress leaves, and Brad privately confesses his love for Dee.
At a restaurant, Dennis and Mac coach Charlie for a blind date. He is sweating profusely through his shirt, and the hornet stings on his face are bleeding. He tries to tell his date, Jackie, that he is a philanthropist but says he is a "full-on-rapist". When Jackie figures out he was trying to say "philanthropist," he admits he is "a janitor at a bar". He tries to go to the bathroom to recoup, but his efforts don't work and Dennis and Mac pretend to be the owners of the restaurant to impress Jackie. Instead, she leaves. Charlie freaks out, and Dennis reveals that the Waitress is getting married.
Charlie takes the box of hornets over to Brad's apartment as a congratulatory gift. There, Brad reveals that he has just been getting engaged to girls who broke up with him in high school because of his acne, and dumping them right before the wedding to get revenge, and that he just got through doing it to the coffee shop waitress. Charlie hands him the box telling him he can keep the present anyway.
- Mary Elizabeth Ellis as The Waitress
- Artemis Pebdani as Artemis Dubois
- Sandy Martin as Mrs. McDonald
- Lynne Marie Stewart as Bonnie Kelly
- Nick Wechsler as Brad Fisher
- Joy Osmanski as Jackie
- Nasim Pedrad as Lucy
- Artemis and Frank are bang-buddies now, and they have a "food fetish" (which is, probably, the hyperbole parody for "Nine 1/2 Weeks").
- Charlie eats large blocks of cheese when he gets nervous.
- Brad Fisher went to the Gang's high school.
- Brad will later appear in the 7th Season two-part finale. In that episode, we see that the stings from the hornets Charlie gave him left a lifelong scars on his face.
- This episode was filming at the same time with Christmas special.
- Interesting video from set.
- Lucy: What does your husband do?
- Dee: Salt. Sea salt. He's a salt man. A salt sea man. He dives into the ocean for the sea salt and then he brings it back up, and then we eat it.
- Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
- Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
- Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.
- Dennis: Hey yo! Hey what's.. what... what are you doing there buddy?
- Charlie: Argh! I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey, but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face and I think I just swallowed one.
- Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you can not get honey from a hornet's nest.
- Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
- Dennis: There is some very basic science out there supporting that.
- Charlie: No, no.
- Dennis: Trust me, pal. Okay, it's actually a fact. It's not even science.
- Charlie: Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's filled with hornets.
- Dennis: Why would you want the Sherlock Holmes look? Who are you trying to attract, exactly?
- Charlie: Intelligent women.
- Dennis: Lets talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm... how about your favorite food, what would that be?
- Charlie: Oh, milk-steak.
- Dennis and Mac: (simultaneously) Hmm?
- Dennis: What?
- Charlie: Milk-steak.
- Dennis: I'm not putting milk-steak.
- Mac: Just put regular steak and then-
- Charlie: Don't put regular steak, put milk-steak, she'll know what it is.
- Dennis: No she won't know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what's your favorite hobby?
- Charlie: Uhh... magnets.
- Dennis: Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?
- Mac: Playing with magnets?
- Charlie: Just magnets.
- Dennis: I'm just gonna put snowboarding. We'll just put snowboarding.
- Charlie: I don't really snowboard.
- Dennis: What are some of your likes?
- Charlie: Uhh... ghouls
- Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?
- Charlie: Just funny little green ghouls.
- Dennis: W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?
- Charlie: Little green ghouls buddies!
- Mac: Don't write ghouls!
- Dennis: I'm not! I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?
- Charlie: People's knees.
- Dennis: Oh come on dude! Come on!
- Mac: Bro, you gotta be kid-you know what we'll just make it all up.
- Dennis: We'll make the whole thing up.
- Mac: We'll doctor the picture.
- Dennis: We aren't even going to use you for this.
- Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
- Frank Deandra, do you have any bacon bits? We like to put them in Artemis' hair and they rain down on me when we bang.
- Artemis: It makes me feel like a Cobb salad. It's amazing.
- Dee (to the Waitress): Would you like some punch?
- The Waitress : Is there alcohol in this?
- Dee : Oh no, no, no. I remember what an embarassing problem you had with alcohol. Oh, Brad, did you know about the embarassing problems with drugs and alcohol she had? It's so sad...
- The Waitress : It's just alcohol...
- Dee : Is it?
- The Waitress: ...and he's aware of it.
- Dee : Oh, really? I thought there was like cocaine, and heroin, and you were shooting up with the homeless people, and banging for money on the streets...
- The Waitress : No, no, no, no. Wow, you're making all that up.
- Dee: Oh, no no no. You're absolutely right. I'm confusing you with another pathetic drunk that I know.
- Bonnie Kelly: Everyone's stealing my Charlie girl.
- Dee: Ah, what the hell!!!!
- The Waitress: Okay Brad, I think it's time for us to go.
- Dee: Oh no Brad, no no no no.... Oh, You bitch! God dammit!!! [leg kick] I should be the one getting married!!! Bitch...
- Frank: This is depressing. (to Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?
- Artemis: You know it.
- Dee: (angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!
- Frank: Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
- Dee: Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! Just get out of here!
- Mrs. Mac: This party, sucks!!!!
- Dee: You suck!!!
- Bonnie Kelly: I need a ride!!!
- Dee: Oh really? Well, I aint giving you shit, ya old bitch!!!
- Charlie: [trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist. Y'know? Africans. Dyslexics. Children. That sorta thing.
- Jackie: I'm sorry. Did you say that you are a "full-on-rapist"?
- Charlie: No, no, did I say that? No no no no no! I help people, you know what I mean? I'm a full..a full...a full-an...
- Jackie: A philanthropist?
- Charlie: Yeah, that's exactly what it is! It gets blocked up in my mouth, and I don't say it no good...
- (A moment of very awkward silence follows)
- Charlie: I'm a janitor at a bar.
- Charlie: I'm sorry about that. There was a guy in the bathroom and he wouldn't give me his shirt. And I was fighting him, like "give me your shirt, bro!" and he wouldn't give it to me and it was like a whole thing.
- Charlie: Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans... raw.
- Frank: Yeah, so the Wendy's manager is all, "You gotta clean that up," and I said, "They're your hamburgers, you clean 'em up!" And then Artemis got all bummed out because of something I did with the onions to myself, and now she won't talk to me...
|Season 5 Episodes|
| 1. "The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis"|
2. "The Gang Hits the Road"
3. "The Great Recession"
4. "The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention"
5. "The Waitress Is Getting Married"
6. "The World Series Defense"
7. "The Gang Wrestles for the Troops"
| 8. "Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens"|
9. "Mac and Dennis Break Up"
10. "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System"
11. "Mac and Charlie Write a Movie"
12. "The Gang Reignites the Rivalry"
13. "A Very Sunny Christmas"