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The Nightman Cometh

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"The Nightman Cometh" is the thirteenth and last episode of the fourth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Charlie stages a rock opera based on his song "The Nightman", and recruits the rest of the gang to help him with it.


4x13 (13)

7:15PM on a Friday

Charlie dances out of Paddy's office, with a giant heap of papers in his hands. The gang tries to understand why he is so cheery, and he reveals that he has written a musical. They try to figure out what motivated him — revenge, anger, jealousy — but Charlie insists he just wrote it for fun.

At a theater, Charlie thanks Artemis for helping transcribe the script into words and the gang argues over the parts. Mac is initially pleased with playing the little boy and the Dayman, which makes Dennis, who is playing the Nightman jealous. The two switch parts. Frank is over the moon about playing the troll.

They begin rehearsals, and Dee argues with Charlie over her song's lyrics, claiming they sound like she molests children. He flips out, telling her that it is either that song or no song at all. He then has to teach Frank to say "boy's soul" rather than "boy's hole", and convinces Mac and Dennis that when The Nightman visits the boy, he is not raping him, but taking away his innocence.

4x13 (10)

Later, Charlie pretends to randomly walk into the Waitress as she walks home. He gives her a ticket to the musical and promises that if she comes, he will never bother her ever again for the rest of her life.

The night of musical arrives, and Charlie brings Gladys in to play the piano. The play starts, and Dee and Dennis complete their first song "Tiny Boy, Little Boy, Baby Boy", then Dee sings her own song "Just to be Clear", which enrages Charlie. Dennis gloats that the audience loved him, and Mac says he is aiming for gasps instead of laughs.

After entering the stage to laughter, Mac and Frank sing "The Troll Toll" and Mac makes the "rape" between him and Dennis extremely graphic. The next scene begins, and Dennis transforms into the Dayman and sings "The Dayman". He and Mac have their fight scene which is partially improvised. As everybody fumbles their lines and makes mistakes, Charlie gets increasingly upset backstage.

After the reprise of "The Dayman", Charlie descends on a sun from above the stage, wearing all yellow, and sings "Marry Me" to the Waitress. She angrily declines his proposal and walks out. Frank tries to console him, which only makes him more upset.

4x13 (12)
4x13 (6)
4x13 (3)

Musical SynopsisEdit

A Coffee Shop Princess is in love with a small man who has the characteristics of a little boy. One night, The Nightman comes, with permission from a Troll, and takes away his innocence. The little boy transforms into The Dayman and fights The Nightman. Dayman and the Princess can then be together in their love.

Princess (spoken over music): What is this strange feeling?

Boy: I feel so strange inside!

Princess: It's so strange, but appealing!

Boy: I feel... good. Oh!


Tiny Boy

Little Boy

Baby Boy

I need you

Tiny Boy

Little Boy

I want to

touch you boy

I need you boy

Tiny Boy

Little Boy

Baby Boy

I need you

Tiny Boy

Little Boy

want to make

love to you boy

boy oh boy

boy oh boy oh boy oh boy

oh boy

Boy (sung over the Princess' refrain):

If you only knew

what I'd do to you

If I was that boy

that's inside of you!

If you only knew

what I'd do to you

If I was that boy

that's inside of you



Inside of my mind

Princess and Boy (Spoken Together): Oh boy!

Princess (sung without music):

Just to be clear

I did not write that song

and have never had sex

with a child

(or minor and anything like that)

Just to be clear

I am a more experienced actor

and that should be taken into account

during your applause at the end

Most men find me to be

an eight or a nine

out of ten

and I am (happend to be) available

to any interested men

who'd like to get my number

after the show

HIV-test preferred

Just to be clear

Just to be clear

Just to be clear

Troll (spoken over music): You came at the right time!

Nightman: Is he sleeping?

Troll: Yeah! He's sleeping right over there! Just the way you like 'em! Did you bring the toll?

Nightman: Confound your lousy toll, troll!


You gotta pay the Troll Toll

If You Wanna Get Into That Boy's Soul

You gotta pay the Troll Toll

To get in!

You want the baby boy's soul

You gotta pay the Troll Toll

You gotta pay the Troll Toll

To get in!

Troll Toll!


What'd you say?!


Troll Toll!


Hey Hey Hey!


Troll Toll.

Nightman: Here's your toll, troll!

Troll: Your boy awaits!

Nightman: At last the boy's soul is mine!

Nightman: Gimme that leg boy.

Boy: Dude, do you have a boner?!

Nightman: Shut up, dude, don't ruin this for me.

Boy: What? Oh, Jesus. That's enough.

Troll: Hello, boy. Come over here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.

Boy: No.

Troll: What? Get over here.

Boy: No, Antonio.

Troll: I control you.

Boy: You control nothing. I am not your slave anymore, and I'm not a boy. I am a man, see? I was transformed by the strong musky power of true love. I am now The Dayman.

Troll: What the hell is that?

Boy: You know what it is, bitch.

Nightman: Where's the boy?

Boy: The boy is gone.

Nightman: You can't tell me what to do.

Boy: I didn't tell you what to do. You're skipping a line, dude.

Nightman: You can't tell me what to do

Boy: You're still skipping the same line.

Nightman: Just move past it.

Boy: God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you are.

Nightman: I'm going to kick your ass, bro.

Boy: I'll tell you what I am the ruler of darkness. I am the master of light. I am the Dayman.

Nightman: Whatever, bro.

Boy: Here's whatever, bitch.

Nightman: What? No, don't improv.

Boy: Don't tell me what to do.

Nightman: Body bag.

Princess: You defeated the evil that was here.

Dayman: Naturally! For I am the Dayman

Princess: You once were a boy and now you are a man and I am in love with you.

Dayman: That's right. And now I am in love with you.

Dayman and Princess:

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)

Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)

Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah)

You're a Master of Karate

and friendship

For Everyone

Boy, Princess, Nightman, and Troll:

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)

Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)

Champion of the Sun! (ah-ah-ah)

You're a Master of Karate

And Friendship

For Everyone

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)

Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)

Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah)

You're a Master of Karate

And Friendship

For Everyone!


Nightman: Stage freeze.

Boy: Don't say stage freeze. Just do it.

Charlie (while descending):

I was that little boy,

that little baby boy was me.

I once was a boy,

but now I am a man.

I fought The Nightman, lived as Dayman,

now I'm here to ask for your hand,

so if you want to marry men,

will you marry me?

Will you come on stage and join me,

in this thing called matrimony?

Please say yes and do not bone me.

Please just marry me!

Recurring RolesEdit

Music & Song LyricsEdit

Additional songs from the live musicalEdit



'The Nightman Cometh' in Los Angeles, CA (Hollywood Palladium)
  • "The Nightman Cometh Live!" TOUR, which was taking place in September 2009, included New York City, Boston, Seattle,
    San Francisco, Los Angeles and Philadelphia itself. Live performances were preceded by the screening of the "brand-new" 5th Season episode "The Gang Reignites the Rivalry".
  • In Philadelphia, PA they were doing TWO live shows.
  • In the live musical, Danny DeVito's wife - actress Rhea Perlman - assumed the role of Gladys.
  • The Los Angeles performance, filmed at "The Troubadour" nightclub in April 2009, is currently available on The Complete Season 4 DVD.
  • Great interview about LIVE SHOW's background.
  • The decorations of this musical are imitate an interior of Charlie's apartment (with an allusion to this weird Hitler's German shepherd painting from Season Two, which Charlie miss so much; later, this painting will return to the show in "Pop-Pop: The Final Solution").
  • The title of Charlie's play sounds like the title of Eugene O'Neill's classic play The Iceman Cometh. O'Neill's play is a searing existential drama in which a group of patrons of a bar are forced to confront the reality of their meaningless existence, while Charlie's play is more about a princess in a coffee shop who wants to bang a little boy. At the same time, it isn't that hard to see this overlap as a sardonic reference to the characters' similarly meaningless bar patron existence.
  • The area where Charlie jumps out and scares the waitress to invite her to the play is the same area that Dee jumps out and scares her in order to ask her to go out with her later that night in, Who pooped the bed? earlier that season.  Season 4 Episode 7.  The only thing they changed is the number on the apartment door behind Charlie or Dee.


4x13 (9)
4x13 (1)
The Nightman Cometh Frank Troll Toll
4x13 (2)
4x13 (11)
4x13 (5)
4x13 (4)
4x13 (7)
4x13 (8)
Charlie: She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee: Or literate. She added words to it.

Frank: Charlie, who's gonna play the troll guy?
Charlie: You're gonna play the troll guy.
Frank: I'm the troll guy?
Charlie: Who else would be the troll?
Frank: I like that! Can I do it naked?

Dennis: Dee, apologize to Charlie.
Dee: I'm not going to do that, he wants me to bang this baby.

Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?
Artemis: (writing on her script) I did write "soul". I definitely did.

Mac: We have to be very careful with how we do the rape scene.
Charlie: What on God's name are you talking about? There's no rape scene.
Mac: Well sure. I pay the troll toll and then I rape Dennis.

Charlie: You come and see this play, I'm going to leave you alone for the rest of your life.
The Waitress: Really? So you're not going to follow me home anymore. And you're not going to call me at three in the morning and tell me that you're in the emergency room in the hospital because you've had a terrible car accident.
Charlie: Well, it's great that you came.
The Waitress: Well, you listed me as your emergency contact.

Gladys: Well I forgot to tell you that Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.

Charlie: I will smack your face off of your face! Do not add a song!

Dee: (singing) Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of ten, and I am available to any interested men.

Mac: Laughs are cheap, man. I'm going for gasps. Gasps are where it's at.

Charlie: I am going to smack everyone into tiny. Little. Pieces.

Mac: Stage freeze!
Dennis: Don't say "stage freeze" just do it.

Charlie: (singing to the Waitress) I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I am a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I'm here to ask for your hand, so if you want to marry men, will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!

Frank: By the way, I thought the rape scene went really well.


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Season 4 Episodes
  1. "Mac and Dennis: Manhunters"
2. "The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis"
3. "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"
4. "Mac's Banging the Waitress"
5. "Mac and Charlie Die (Part 1)"
6. "Mac and Charlie Die (Part 2)"
7. "Who Pooped the Bed?"
 8. "Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia"
 9. "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life"
10. "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"
11. "The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell"
12. "The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition"
13. "The Nightman Cometh"

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