"The Gang Sells Out" is the seventh episode of the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
2:30PM on a Tuesday
Charlie, Mac, and Dennis are sitting in what appears to be an executive's office, engaged in their usual habit of enlightened intellectual discourse: in this case, they're arguing if there are helipads on the roofs of the office buildings around them. Mac argues that there's always a "fat cat" who needs to make a quick escape. Charlie proposes that if they don't have helipads, then perhaps they have secret tunnels under the buildings. Mac calls an end to the arguing and says that he wants to get their meeting with a "corporate drone" over with as quickly as possible.
We then see that the "corporate drone" has been there the whole time, apparently completely nonplussed by what he's heard. He regains his composure, and he tells the guys that his company, a restaurant chain, thinks Paddy's Pub's location would be the perfect spot for an "Oldies Rock Cafe". Charlie, Mac, and Dennis state "Paddy's Pub can't be bought" -- but when the executive shows them how much he'll pay, they immediately change their mind.
Back at the bar, Frank says he refuses to sell. Dee joins in in urging him to sell, but she is informed that she owns no shares in the bar, so she will get nothing from the sale. Frank continues to refuse to sell, but like the others, when he sees the offer, he immediately changes his position to "Let's sell this piece of shit bar!" Frank says, though, that they need to let the executive "woo" them to get a bit more money out of them. They leave to go continue negotiations with the executive, leaving Dee behind, answering her question "What am I supposed to do?" with "Don't give a shit!"
Dee goes to an Oldies Rock Cafe to apply for a job. She gets an application, but the uninterested maitre d' shows her that the stack of applications is quite thick. Dee is in luck, though, as The Waitress comes up to her, saying that she now works there as a manager. The Waitress tells Dee that she's started working there because a Starbucks has moved in across the street from the coffee shop where she works (Dee's reaction, with her usual level of concern for others, is "I love Starbucks!"). Dee asks her if she can get her a job, and leaves it to The Waitress to fill out the blank application form for her.
The rest of the Gang, now including Frank, goes back to the executive saying they have "terms" for the sale. Their terms turn out to be -- well, "unreasonable" might be a bit too mild of a term, and something like "insane" might work better. They demand things like a plaque in their honor, a statue resembling the famous Iwo Jima photograph with their faces instead, that they be given the right to blow up the bar, and a helicopter fly-by. The executive becomes annoyed by their demands and says he is withdrawing the offer.
After the meeting, they start arguing about who's to blame for the deal falling through. The blame seems to be mostly falling on Charlie, for bringing up the most ridiculous demands When Mac reveals that Charlie sold him half of his shares in the bar, Dennis reveals that Charlie has also sold him a lot of his shares as well. ("Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares for half a sandwich.") They realize that Charlie has absolutely no shares in Paddy's Pub now, so they tell him he's out and should go get a job. With Charlie out, Frank says that they should try to woo the executive to resuscitate the deal.
So they take him to a strip club. The executive seems bored, and reveals that he is gay. Mac is surprised that he is gay "because you're so big and tough", and Dennis then launches into a bizarre (and incredibly inaccurate) description of the dynamics of gay male relationships, saying that the executive is obviously a "bear" (he's not), and after a rather lengthy digression on "power bottoms", the executive walks out.
The Waitress begins to train Dee on her new job, as a waitress, but Dee seems uninterested in doing her actual duties, and drinks beer the entire time. Charlie comes in, asking if he can get a job there too. The Waitress, against her better judgment, offers Charlie a job as an "assistant sanitation intern".
Later, The Waitress calls Dee into her office. The Waitress tells Dee that she put the wrong ticket on one of the tables. Dee reveals that was intentional: she says she is "double dropping", that is, putting a ticket on one table that's more than they actually owe, and pocketing the difference. The Waitress tells Dee that she can't do that, and she will be fired if it continues. Dee manipulates The Waitress into forgotting the incident, however, by saying Dennis "thinks you're cool" and that Dee would hate to tell Dennis about this. Charlie shows up to confront Dee about the fact she's not doing her job, a transparent effort to impress The Waitress that Dee tells him is doomed to failure.
Back at Paddy's, Frank has brought together the members of his old "gang", the Yellowjacket Boys. Frank says that the executive has decided to buy the bookstore down the street from Paddy's, so he's going to have his old gang loiter in front of it to drive people away. Dennis thinks it's a dumb idea, but Mac's into it. Dennis decides to go to the Oldies Rock Cafe to get Dennis and Dee to come back to work.
When Dennis gets there, Dee is less than excited about coming back to Paddy's. Dennis sees that there are a lot of "college chicks" there, and wants Dee to get him a job as a bartender. Dennis demands to speak to a manager, and Dee sends Charlie out to speak to him. Charlie seems reluctant to give him a job, but The Waitress shows up, and Dennis manipulates her into giving him a job.
The Yellowjacket Boys are playing jacks in front of the bookstore. Rather than being intimidating, they are mistaken for a "50's doo-wop group", and they end up singing for a family coming to the store. Mac, quite correctly, points out that you can't be intimidating "if you're entertaining the whole neighborhood", and storms off angrily.
Back at the Oldies Rock Cafe, Dennis is drinking shots with a group of co-eds. When The Waitress tells him he can't drink on the job, Dennis tells her that he is too busy getting numbers to follow the rules. Dee also reveals she is still "double dropping". Dee and Dennis continue to manipulate The Waitress' feelings for Dennis to try to get away with it. Charlie offers to get rid of Dee and Dennis for The Waitress, which does manage to get him a hug from her (which, in typical Charlie fashion, he holds on too long.)
Frank and Mac show up at the executive's house with the Yellowjacket Boys, trying to intimidate him into buying the bar. The executive is still adamant he will never buy their bar. When Frank says that if he doesn't buy the bar, he'll sic Hawky, the oldest and most decrepit of the Yellowjacket Boys, after him. When the executive asks Hawky "You got something to say, old man?", Hawky steps up... and then immediately drops dead of a heart attack. The executive slams the door in their face.
At the oldies cafe, Dennis is bragging about how many numbers he's gotten to Dee. Charlie comes up to them and says that the corporate office has been called to come down and fire them. Dennis makes one last attempt to manipulate The Waitress, but when Charlie points out that he doesn't even know her name, The Waitress demands that Dennis say her name, and his best guess is "Beautiful". That ends Dennis' spell over her, and she is now fully on board with firing him.
The same executive that was trying to buy Paddy's earlier shows up. He recognizes Charlie and Dennis. He says that he had a "strange night" that has put him in a "funk", so he's going to clean house. He fires them all -- including The Waitress.
The Yellowjacket Boys, including Frank and Mac, have a memorial service for Hawky behind the bar, pouring his ashes into a fire, and singing him a tribute song. RIP Hawky.
- Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
- Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
- Rob McElhenney as Mac
- Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
- Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds
- The Mighty Echoes as The Yellow Jackets
- Charles G. Davis as Raz
- John Lathan as Scoots
- John Rubin as Pipe
- Harvey Shield as Crazy Legs
- Phil De Barros as Hawky
- Terence Bernie Hines as Father
- David Gueriera as Host
- The name of Frank's old street gang from the '50s is The Yellow Jacket Boys.
- When Frank and his gang are outside the book store singing, one of the spectators puts money in Mac's coffee cup. The spectator puts it all the way in the cup, but in the next shot, it is sticking out as Mac walks away.
- Though other episodes state that The Waitress went to high school with The Gang (for example, "The Waitress Is Getting Married" and the High School Reunion episodes), The Waitress asks Dee "So did you go to high school?" when she is filling out an application form for Dee.
- The final scene of Hawky's funeral, with the ashes blowing into the faces of the mourners, is a partial reference to a similar scene in The Big Lebowski.
- Charlie: Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on little jobbies.
- Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
- Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
- Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
- Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
- Charlie: How are you going to be wood?
- Dee: I'm not asking you to do much, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.
- Frank: Come on, who doesn't like to watch a naked woman swing round a pole?
- Template:Corporate Rep: Gay man, for one.
- Mac: Huh?
- Template:Corporate Rep: I'm gay.
- Mac: No. You're so big and tough. You do not come across as gay.
- Frank: You don't look like a gay guy.
- Dennis: That's 'cause he's a bear.
- Mac: Huh?
- Dennis: He's a bear. Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. (to rep) By the way, we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
- Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
- Dennis: A twink is small and slender-like Mac.
- Mac: Whoa, no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
- Dennis: Oh, don't think so boy. Not hairy enough.
- Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
- Dennis: See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.
- Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
- Dennis: Maybe.
- Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
- Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops. Unless they happen to be power bottoms.
- Frank: What's a power bottom?
- Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
- Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. You see, a power bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
- Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
- Mac: Dennis, I've heard speed has something to to do with it.
- Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. The speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to supply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy? (Turns, sees the corporate rep is gone)