"The Gang Dances Their Asses Off" is the fifteenth and final episode of the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
1:15PM on a Saturday
Sweet Dee, Mac, and Dennis want nothing to do with what Frank's new employee evaluation. When Dennis refuses to participate in the evaluation, Frank announces that he's created a "ranking system" for the pub's employees. Everyone at the bar then obsesses over their rank. When prompted for their ranks, Frank informs Dennis that he's 2nd after himself. Mac is told that he's third because he's too volatile (which Mac protests). Sweet Dee is fifth and last because she has too much lip and is too sassy. When Dee argues the fact, Frank claims she's just proving his point. Before the matter can go any further, Charlie shows up to the meeting late with a signed contract in his hand. He's signed the bar up for a radio promotion that sets a dance marathon at Paddy's Pub. While he pats himself on the back for his ingenuity, the gang realizes that the prize in the competition is Paddy's Pub itself. The contract is binding and the problem is that Charlie confused the word "Prize" with the word "Pride." He thought the agreement was asking what he prided most.
- "Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie!" -- Mac
Dee hopes this revelation of Charlie screwing them will improve her rank. It doesn't. Frank intends for everyone to dance in order to save the pub.
The dance competition begins with the deejays explaining the rules of the competition. Each dancer must remain on their feet for the duration of the marathon. They are quick to point out that the marathon could take hours, days, or weeks. The gang is already dancing as these announcements are made. Charlie has a plan to dance well to a song that Sweet Dee claims came out in 1989. She's already frustrated that she has to remind Charlie that it's an endurance competition and not a style competition.
The competition has brought the pub a variety of dancers who are all hoping to win the bar. Among these competitors are a couple of familiar faces. The Waitress greets Charlie, Dee, and Dennis with "What's up, assholes?" She intends to win the bar from them both out of spite and a crushing financial need. Rickety Cricket has also joined the fray with enhanced, artificial legs that have replaced the broken legs he earned during his last encounter with the employees of Paddy's Pub. The Waitress offhandedly suggests to Cricket that they should team up and ruin the gang together.
Concern and doubt infects the Gang. They have no idea what to do about the Cricket's incredible artificial limbs. Frank tries to convince the team that they needn't worry, nor resort to cheating. Mac is convinced that there will have to be a lot of dirty tricks involved to beat the Cricket. While this matter is being discussed, the deejays sound an alarm that signals the first "dance off" of the marathon. Someone has thrown down the gauntlet. Mac is asked to approach the deejay platform to meet his challenger.
Mac hears his approach before he sees him. It's Rickety Cricket with his legs that Sweet Dee described as "Bionic".
Mac Vs. Rickety Cricket
The rules of the dance off are simple. One song will be played and each competitor have to "strut their stuff." The loser will be forced to dance the rest of the marathon with a 25lb beer keg dangling from their neck. The gang isn't feeling very good about Mac's chances. Dennis is quick to note that Cricket's hatred for the gang will burn far more than Mac's simple pride. A deejay says the word "go" and the competition begins. Instantly, Cricket's leg enhancements fail him and he goes down. The radio deejays decide to "slow things down" and encourage people to couple up.
The couples sway to the latest track and Mac is repulsed that he's dancing with Charlie. Everything from Charlie's smell to his appearance Mac takes issue with. He bemoans loudly about how he can't wait to switch partners. Dee, while she dances with Dennis, overhears Mac and suggests that the "partner switch" would be a great opportunity to eliminate other competitors. She pitches the idea that it would be easy to manipulate total strangers while hanging on their bodies. Mac immediately dismisses her plan because she's ranked last on Frank's scale. Frank, while dancing with a homeless man, agrees with Mac. Dennis suddenly announces that he has a plan. His plan is verbatim what Dee had in mind, but his idea is accepted because he's ranked second on Frank's scale. Everyone agrees, much to Sweet Dee's chagrin, that the couple switch should be used to gain a leg up in the competition.
Dennis then encourages Frank to fall onto the dance floor and become their "outside" man. Frank isn't sure about the idea until Dennis convinces him that he's the best schemer of the group. Frank goes down on one knee and is removed from the competition. Charlie asks for assurances from Dennis that Frank was eliminated only to keep him from winning the bar back. Dennis confirms that was his plan. Dee mocks Frank and explains that once the Gang gets the bar back, he'll be ranked last.
The boys survey the crowd in order to decide who the best competition is. Mac points out a young couple who seem to be doing well. Dennis decides he will use the couple switch to dance with the young lady. Charlie wants to try and psyche out The Waitress. Dennis dismisses Charlie's suggestion and urges Mac to dance with The Waitress instead. That leaves Charlie to dance with Sweet Dee. She is appalled.
Charlie hangs onto Dee's shoulders while he tries to keep his feet moving. Dee seems to be doing just fine except for Charlie's weight. Mac has managed to incorporate some of his kung fu tactics into his dance with The Waitress just a few feet away. Dee mentions to Charlie that Mac and The Waitress seem to be doing well. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth because she has to dodge all of Mac's moves.
Dennis makes headway with the young lady he opted to switch with. He's found out that her name is Gloria. His lie to her is that he's a dance instructor. He encourages her to grind against him as he leans her back to check out her chest. She admits to Dennis that she's only dancing with her fiancee to win the bar because they were both laid off. Her man dances over and protests the dip. He thinks Dennis is just out to "feel her up." Gloria poo-poos the claim and Dennis affirms that he only wants her to know some new dances. Somewhat convinced, Gloria's fiancee dances away and Dennis proceeds to get more vulgar with her.
Charlie has been trying not to think about Mac and The Waitress. He mentions to Dee that he's over the girl. Dee affirms Charlie's choice because she suspects Mac and The Waitress are ready to "bang." This freaks Charlie out and Dee talks him down because she has a plan. She thinks Charlie has to knock Mac out of the competition. Charlie has no idea how, but Dee has an idea.
Frank has been out of the running for awhile and sits alone at the bar. Rickety Cricket takes this opportunity to come out of darkness and convince Frank that they should join forces. Frank dismisses Cricket out-of-hand by calling him a “street rat” which causes the former priest to make a hateful proclamation.
- "Look, I want these guys, Frank! I want 'em! And I will stalk the streets and live in the shadows of the night until the streets of Philadelphia run red with their blood!" --Rickety Cricket to Frank
This argument convinces Frank and he decides to help Rickety Cricket in his scheme.
15 Min. Break
In the break area, Charlie assures Mac that he’s not jealous about The Waitress. He compliments Mac on his dancing skills and quickly changes the subject to Dennis and Frank’s ranking system. Charlie suggests that if Mac doesn’t take Dennis out then surely he won’t get a number one rank.
Mac Vs. Dennis
After some mutual insults and intimidation tactics between Dennis and Mac, the deejays drop the song ‘’”Poison” by Bil Biv Devoe.’’ Dennis mostly rocks back and forth while Mac goes totally nuts. He swings his elbows manically and jumps up and down. He rocks up against Dennis in a move that borders on homo-erotic. Lost in the music and his performance, Mac drops to his knees in front of Dennis and loses the dance off.
This frees up Dennis to try and bang Gloria. Mac attempts to talk Dennis out of it, but there’s no way Dennis will give up on the idea of getting into Gloria’s pants. He grinds against Gloria and her fiancée returns in a foul mood. Dennis tries to assure the man that he’s only teaching her new dance moves and offers to show some to him. Her man reluctantly agrees. Dennis, as the lead dancer, coaches the guy into a dip. Dennis then drops the man to floor removing him from competition. The man is furious and tries to get Gloria to leave, but she insists on staying with Dennis supporting her through the entire argument. Her fiancée angrily storms away.
Mac now hauls a 25lb keg around his neck and goes out back. He encounters Cricket, Frank, and a homeless guy. They’re in the midst of cooking brownies that are packed with sedatives. Once everyone’s eaten the brownies, the homeless guy will win the bar back in Frank’s stead. Frank invites Mac to help him distribute the brownies. Mac agrees to help but insists that his back is killing him.
In the competition, Dee dances up to the Waitress and suggests she should try and get Dennis to become jealous. The Waitress wants Dennis to notice her so Dee tells her what she think would be best. Dee believes the best thing to do would be to grind on Frank’s homeless guy. The Waitress isn’t convinced, but Dee reminds her that the surest shot to Dennis is through his vanity. The Waitress concedes the point and decides to dance dirty with the homeless guy.
The Waitress grinds on the homeless guy, but the only jealousy she’s getting is from Charlie. Everyone’s incredibly tired. Gloria hangs on Charlie as he tries to get her to grind on him. Dennis and Dee are wrapped around each other and Dee’s works her plans on him. She thinks Dennis has to intercept Charlie and do some sexy moves with Gloria. Before Dennis can go forth, Mac interrupts them. He dances very strangely with his beer keg and make-shift back brace. Dennis comments on Mac’s energetic form and Mac explains he’s been eating energy brownies. He offers them one of Frank’s brownies, but Sweet Dee isn’t convinced.
Suddenly, Rickety Cricket bursts onto the dance floor and screams to Dee.
- ’’”Don’t eat it Dee! It’s filled with cough medicine! I love you!” – Rickety Cricket to Sweet Dee’’
Frank angrily approaches the treacherous Cricket and carries the cripple out of the bar. Dennis and Dee turn on Mac. They can’t believe how pathetic Mac’s behaving. Dennis tries to get Charlie off of Gloria, but Charlie’s still using her to make The Waitress jealous. Dennis shrugs and goes to The Waitress and writhes against her on the floor. With The Waitress seduced by his Charms, Dennis abruptly drops her to the dance floor and knocks her out of the competition. This makes The Waitress very angry and she shouts at Dennis. Dennis laughs it off and tells Charlie that its his fault because he didn’t give up Gloria.
Charlie hangs on Gloria and Dennis gets behind her. Charlie explains to Gloria that Dennis is hoping to have sex with her. She’s appalled by the idea because she’s engaged to be married. Dennis presses her and wants to know if she at least considered him as a sexual candidate. When she says no, Dennis slams her to the floor and knocks her out of the competition. Charlie immediately challenges Dennis to a “dance off.” But he’s going to use the tape he used two decades previous for the match.
Charlie vs. Dennis
”Take My Breath Away,” by Berlin plays and Charlie does his choreography expertly. The winner is made clear when Dennis, now with a keg hanging around him, dances next to Mac and his Keg. Charlie eats one of Frank’s brownies and Dee can’t resist rubbing in the fact that she manipulated Charlie into eating the cough syrup. She also brags to Mac and Dennis that everyone in the competition has had a brownie but her. She claims victory is in sight and everyone needs to respect her as a mastermind. They blow her off. Charlie chomps on his brownie still and Mac tells him he should slow down on the brownie or he’ll be knocked out for sure.
- ”Bro. I can handle my sedatives,” –Charlie with a mouthful of brownie.
Mac and Dennis are amazed that Charlie’s still competing after the brownie. Charlie’s in a haze as he sways and drools on himself. Dennis demands a piece of Mac’s back support to help him with his keg. Dennis struggles with Mac to break a piece of the back brace off of him. The two slam into the floor. A whistle is blown and they are out. Now they’re afraid Dee might actually win the competition. Especially since Charlie’s effectively passed out on the floor.
- ”(slurred) Karate... snow machine chopsit!,” –Charlie while on sedative."
Frank claims his homeless friend Larry is still in the running. It’s just Larry and Dee. Frank, Mac, and Dennis cheer Larry on. It looks like Larry just might be too tired to go on. Dee brags tiredly that she’s just gotten her second wind and suddenly shouts Cricket’s name. Dee has one more dastardly move up her sleeve. Cricket rolls in on a red wagon and a long stick. The wagon charges toward Larry and the homeless man hops out of the way. Cricket is unable to hold back his swinging stick and canes Deandra behind her knees. She falls down with a cry of agony.
Larry wins the dance competition. Frank cheers because the gang has won their bar back. Dee weeps with what she claims is a “shattered” kneecap. Frank offers her a reason to be happy. He explains to her that she’s no longer ranked last. The last rank goes to Charlie.
- ”That kid really needs to learn how to read,” –Mac to everyone as Charlie sleeps in his own drool.
- Randy Sklar as DJ Fat Michael
- Jason Sklar as DJ Squirrely D
- Michael Auteri as Homeless Larry
- Jeff Meacham as Robert
- Aja Evans as Gloria
- In the scene where Mac tries to get Sweet Dee to eat the "energy bar" there is an editing goof: Sweet Dee is seen holding the "energy bar", no longer holding it, then holding it again.
- The radio DJ's are played by the Sklar brothers - Randy and Jason Sklar, two comedians who casted Kaitlin in their movie "Held Up" which was aired on Crackle (an online TV network).
- Rickety Cricket says his new "bionic" legs are thanks to the "state of Pennsylvania", but Pennsylvania is one of four states in the United States that actually calls itself a "commonwealth" (the others being Kentucky, Massachusetts, and Virginia).
- The song "Take My Breath Away" will be used again in the episode "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System".
- The Waitress: I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy!
- (Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff)
- Charlie: You know he's not gonna go down easy.
- Dennis: Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.
- Charlie: Bro, I can handle my sedatives.
- Dee: Good luck with those kegs, boners.
- Charlie: (to Dennis) Cream always rises to the top and you're about to see the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.
|Season 3 Episodes|
| 1. "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby"|
2. "The Gang Gets Invincible"
3. "Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead"
4. "The Gang Gets Held Hostage"
5. "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo"
6. "The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation"
7. "The Gang Sells Out"
8. "Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire"
| 9. "Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person"|
10. "Mac Is a Serial Killer"
11. "Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender"
12. "The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 1)"
13. "The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 2)"
14. "Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City"
15. "The Gang Dances Their Asses Off"