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The Gang Buys a Boat

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"The Gang Buys a Boat" is the third episode of the sixth season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The gang attempts to find adventure on the sea after they purchase their 'new' boat.

Recap

10:00 AM, On a Saturday, Philadelphia, PA

Mac, Dennis and Charlie meet with a salesman to buy a boat, having just recently come into some cash ($2500) with the success of dicktowel.com (which they're keeping on the hush-hush). Mac and Dennis want a P-Diddy style party boat, while Charlie wants a Forrest Gump style shrimping vessel. Mac also insists he has an inherent 'need for speed'. Instead of a speedy "P-Diddy style shrimping vessel" the salesman introduces them to The Drowning Sailor, a houseboat which the Gang quickly purchases due to their incredibly short attention spans.

The Gang meets at the dock to examine their new houseboat. While Charlie and Frank are excited about shrimping Mac and Dennis infer that it's only a very small part of why they bought the boat. Mac, Dee, and Dennis go inside to check the decor, where Dee demonstrates her P-Diddy boat dance. Mac comments that she dances like an inflatable dancing tube man from a used car lot. After a short argument, Dennis tells Dee that it's her job to get rid of all stuff inside the boat since she didn't invest any money in this venture.

Charlie and Frank are loading up their fishing gear when Mac and Dennis exit the boat telling them to stop what they're doing and begin scraping the barnacles off the boat. As Mac and Dennis leave, Charlie and Frank patronize Mac when he declares himself the Captain of the boat. Frank and Charlie are about to set sail while Mac and Dennis go to the boat store for supplies. Frank accidentally tosses the keys into the water, prompting Charlie to dive in after them.

Mac and Dennis buy supplies at the boat store, running low on Dick Towel money, before Dennis reveals his true purpose for buying the boat; a way to seduce women who won't refuse "because of the implication." Mac gets confused at the dark nature of the subject as the "implication" sounds an awful lot like rape on the open ocean should the ladies refuse. Dennis gets frustrated when Mac doesn't accept that the women won't be in any real danger.

Charlie resurfaces without the keys, but with a collection of assorted items which he believes could be relics from an ancient "horse massacre." In reality, the relics are garbage Dee has been dumping overboard from inside the boat as she cleans. Frank enters and suggests that they gut the boat by breaking everything with a sledge hammer. While smashing the boat with the sledge hammer Frank damages an outlet near the floor causing it to spark.

Mac and Dennis return, with Dennis still trying to convince Mac about the subject of "the implication." They angrily arrive at the boat to discover that Frank and Dee have trashed the place, when they're suppose to be fixing it. Mac holds a crew meeting only to discover that Charlie has been picking up Dee's trash and has lost the keys to the boat. Matt and Dennis get upset at the prospect of having to rent scuba equipment for Charlie to use to find the keys.

Mac and Dennis return to the boat store. Mac notices a flyer outside the store for a dock party. Dennis agrees that attending the party would be a good way to get into the nautical lifestyle, then complains about how much money they're spending.

Back at the boat, Mac has bought an inflatable tube man which annoys Dee while she's painting the boat. Frank gets fed up too, until Charlie comes back with big news. Before Charlie can make his announcement, Dennis and Mac arrive to get ready for the dock party. Dee, Frank and Charlie are angry because Mac and Dennis expect them to work on the boat while they go to a party. Mac and Dennis leave for the party then Charlie reveals that he has found the boat keys.

Mac and Dennis arrive at the dock party only to find that the crowd is not what they expected (a group of barnacle covered, sunburned men playing poker). Mac, speculating that the party guests might have interesting tales of sea adventure, asks one with a hook for a hand how he was injured. After learning that his his hand was lost through diabetes, they decide to leave the party only to have the host (Ray) stop them. Ray implies that the party is just getting warmed up, and they'll have a couple of 'tasty treats' when they got out onto the open sea. Mac and Dennis assume that they themselves are in fact the 'tasty treats'. Much to their relief, a group of stripper-like girls board the boat, and it becomes obvious that these are the actual 'tasty treats'.

Frank, Charlie, and Dee have set sail on the river. Dee is learning a few dance moves from the inflatable tube man while Frank cooks up some toxic catfish and Charlie fiddles with the broken scuba equipment. Dennis calls Charlie and says that the 3 of them must leave the boat so he and Mac can bring back their dates...two of the 'tasty treats'. Charlie patronizes them and hangs up. Having given up on the scuba equipment, Charlie tosses it inside the boat and it hits the electrical outlet that Frank broke earlier. The outlet sparks again and the boat catches on fire. Charlie, Frank and Dee quickly scramble to abandon ship.

Dennis and Mac arrive at the dock with their dates, where Mac says, the girls "can make rash decisions based on fear," (embracing Dennis' philosophy which he had up until now challenged) only to discover that the boat is gone and the rest of the Gang is crawling out of the water. When Dennis and Mac asks what happened, Charlie points to the massive inferno burning out on the river. Charlie intimates that the Drowning Sailor was a terrible investment as the burning boat sinks and the inflatable tube man bursts into flames.

Alliances

Cast

Starring

Guest Starring

  • Seth Morris as Ted Sally
  • Don Swayze as Ray

Co-Starring

  • Tony Rivard as Handless Guy

Trivia

  • Among other songs Sweet Dee listens to, this episode features "Ruff Ryders' Anthem" by DMX.
  • "Back in the High Life Again" by Steve Winwood starts playing on 17:50.
  • Inflatable guy's color is green - it's a reference for Greenman's amazing dance from 03x02.
  • This is the first time we see Sweet Dee's awesome "TubeMan"-dancing skills. We'll see them again in
    How Mac Got Fat.
  • There actually are edible varieties of barnacles, in particular the goose barnacle. However, Dennis and Mac are probably correct to not want to eat barnacles from the Delaware River.
  • It's not true that "anything goes" in international waters. The laws of the country whose flag the ship flies still apply aboard that ship  So you don't have to worry about the "implications" of saying no after all.
  • Dennis tests his assumption that a woman aboard a boat would not say no "because of the implications" in the Season 11 episode "The Gang Goes to Hell." It doesn't quite work like he thought it would.
  • The Dick Towel was first shown in the episode "Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens." At the end of that episode, The Lawyer gained all merchandising rights for Paddy's Pub (because The Gang signed a contract with him without reading it.) This probably explains why they want to keep the money from the Dick Towel "hush-hush."

Quotes

Mini-Charlie Kelly   Whoa! Since when are you the captain?
Well, clearly I'm the captain. Who else would be the captain?   Mini-Mac
Mini-Charlie Kelly   I feel like I would be the captain. Dennis?
I don't give a shit...   Mini-Dennis Reynolds
Mini-Mac   I'm captain! I called it! Locked in. Boom!
 

 

Boat Salesman: Let me just see if i have this right here. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping boat.
Charlie: You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Dennis: Work first. And then you can do your weird inflatable tube man P. Diddy dance.

Charlie: One word
Frank: Shrimp.

Frank: You know I'm looking forward to, is catching me some Delaware River Catfish. They are so tasty, I used to eat em' when I was a kid. You can't buy them in the store no more.
Charlie: Why's that?
Frank: The goddamn EPA, they says they're toxic. (pft) Toxic my ass, I mean they're just endangered.

Charlie: Here's what we'll do, we'll scrap all these delicious oysters or whatever off the side the boat. We'll put em' in a pot, we'll boil em' up before you get back.
Frank: We'll cook em' for you.
Charlie: There you go.
Dennis: Those are barnacles, DO NOT eat those. And do not cook them in a pot and serve them to us.

Dennis: We gotta pop by the department store and get a mattress, I want a nice one too...
Mac: A what? A mattress? What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean, what do we need a mattress for? Why do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies all nice and tipsy topside so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and, you know, they can't refuse. Because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh, OK. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kind of threw me.
Dennis: Dude, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows, she looks around, what does she see, nothing but open ocean. (Imitating female voice) "Oh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I going to do? Say no?"
Mac: OK. That seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding, bro.
Mac: I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said no, the answer, obviously, is no. But the thing is she's not gonna say no. She would never say no. Because of the implication.

Mac: Maybe this whole thing isn't about meeting girls. Maybe it's about having an adventure, you know open ocean adventure. (points to a nearby patron) Take a look at this guy. How'd he lose that hand? I betcha it was some kind of crazy adventure right? Let's find out. (walks over to the man) Hey bro, how'd you lose that hand?
Man: ...diabetes.
Dennis: Oh.
Mac: (awkwardly) Uh... that's not, uh, much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.

Charlie: Uh, hey! Uh, what do you do if, the boat is on fire?
Frank: What do you mean?
Charlie: The boat is on fiire. (flames burst) Oh, fires getting bigger.
Dee: What!?
Charlie: Fires getting big.
Dee: Noooo! Bail!
Season 6 Episodes
  1. "Mac Fights Gay Marriage"
2. "Dennis Gets Divorced"
3. "The Gang Buys a Boat"
4. "Mac's Big Break"
5. "Mac and Charlie: White Trash"
6. "Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down"
7. "Who Got Dee Pregnant?"
 8. "The Gang Gets a New Member"
 9. "Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth"
10. "Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats"
11. "The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods"
12. "Dee Gives Birth"

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