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"Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties" is the third episode of the seventh season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Frank finds himself in the child beauty-pageant business and fears that people might think that he's in it for the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, Dee wages war on stage moms; and Mac, Dennis and Charlie think they have found a contestant to back.
12:00 on a Saturday
Frank runs into the bar, trips and breaks his nose. He doesn't have time to worry about the blood that is gushing because he has bigger problems: he has invested in a beauty pageant. The rest of the gang doesn't see what the problem is until the contestants enter: young girls in bikinis.
In Paddy's office, the gang strategizes what to do. Frank is concerned that people will think he molests children because the previous investor had just been arrested for diddling children. Dee states that she loves pageants because she would enter them as a child to prove to her mother that she wasn't pretty. Charlie convinces the gang that they are pro-American because we are free to show off how sexy our kids.
The parents drop their children off at Paddy's and Frank, still with a broken bleeding nose, welcomes them. He fumbles his words so Dee takes over. In the office, Charlie, Mac and Dennis write songs for the pageant and decide that they will be a part of the show. A man enters and tells Dee that he is an inspector, there to make sure the children are protected. She pins the pageant on Frank.
Charlie teaches the kids their group dance but they aren't synchronized. He criticizes them all. Dee goes up to Samantha - the most talented and prettiest girl in the group - and compliments her. Samantha is bitchy to Dee, so Dee decides to help Samantha's sister win the pageant. Dennis, Mac and Charlie wonder why there is a boy in the pageant and find out he loves to sing and dance. They decide to choreograph his dance and help him win.At the pageant, Frank shows off his makeup which was done by a mortician. They have Artemis start the music and Dennis, Mac, Dee and Charlie sing and dance an introduction song to the show. Frank thanks everyone for attending, and says multiple times that he doesn't like to diddle children. The girls then proceed to perform their talents. Dee sings with her contestant a song about how shitty parents can be. Dennis, Mac and Charlie help the boy perform a shirtless techno version of "Yankee Doodle Dandy".
In between acts, Frank's microphone accidentally turns on while he is talking to his mortician stylist. Frank tells him that when he dies he doesn't mind if the mortician has sex with his corpse or eats it. He realizes his mic is on so he rushes on stage to try and save face to an angry crowd. The police rush in and arrest the "inspector" (actually a pedophile) , who has been traveling to different pageants to diddle children.
The gang decides that the whole thing was a failure and decide to leave. The parents demanded to know the winner of the pageant and Dennis declares that Samantha won because she was the prettiest.
- Charlie Day as Charlie Kelly
- Glenn Howerton as Dennis Reynolds
- Rob McElhenney as Mac
- Kaitlin Olson as Dee Reynolds
- Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds
- Artemis Pebdani as Artemis
- Caitlin Carmichael as Samantha
- Erik Jensen as Walter Harris
- Maxim Knight as Benjamin
- Emily Evan Rae as Justine
- Zarii Arri as Aimee
- Cory Blevins as Benjamin's Dad
- Vanessa Celso as Justine's Mom
- Anise Fuller as Aimee's Mom
- Brian Lally as Detective Haney
- Jennifer Ann Massey as Ashley's Mom
- Madison Moellers as Lauren
- Kaitlyn Nakatani as Kristen
- Bobbie Prewitt as Ashley
- John Wiltshire as Mort
- Mac, Charlie & Dennis' robot dance in yellow jumpsuits - it's a parody of the climactic scene of "Revenge of the Nerds" movie (which in turn is a parody for "Devo" group's music video "(I Can't Get No Satisfaction").
- The Gang make a few adjustments to the "Yankee Doodle Dandy" song: besides modern techno sound, they've added a Reagan's "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" (about the Berlin Wall) and Roosevelt's "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" quotes. Also, the Gang made up an electrical voice's introduction "People of Earth, prepare for the future of PATRIOTISM".
- There's a picture of Barbara Reynolds shown during Dee and Justine's musical number.
- Mac, Charlie and Dennis (with little Benjamin) all have painted on abdominal muscles - just like the "Birds of War" from The Gang Wrestles for the Troops.
- When Dee is talking to Samantha she is holding her drink, then has her hands together, then back to holding her drink again.
- This episode parodies the TLC show "Toddlers & Tiaras".
- Charlie's sarcastic, high-strung attitude while he directs the show the kids will be putting on is very reminiscent of his behavior directing his own musical in the episode "The Nightman Cometh". (In particular, his demand that the kids "take a five" echoes his similar order to Dennis to do that when he is upset with Dee's refusal to sing a song.)
- Frank has stated that he has little concern for what happens to his body after his death before: in A Very Sunny Christmas, he is unmoved by the sight of his "grave" and says that he just wants his body to be thrown in the trash when he dies.
- The term "diddling" for child molestation has been used on the show before, in the episode "Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City", where Dennis tells a hot dog vendor that Charlie, who is in the back seat of their cop car (and not in a uniform like Dennis or Frank), was "caught diddling kids down by the playground" (this "legend" in turn is based on Dennis' personal expirience from 03x11).
|—||“All these old patriotic songs need updates.”|
|“Yeah, they're like 200 years old. That's why nobody wants to listen to 'em.”||—|
|—||“Dude, you're wheezing now. You slow down...”|
|“Breathe and eat. Separately.”||—|
|—||“This is what America is about, okay? Being able to eat at any rate you want to eat...”|
|“...Shut, shut up! Stop making all of these things about America. You're fat not because of America...”||—|
|—||“You know, kids are great. I love the kids... Not in a sexual way! No, I'm- I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch, but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her...”|
|—||“We can do whatever we want with our kids - and that's what America is all about!”|
|—||“Your mom doesn't know dick. She's a dumb, fat cow, and your sister- She is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?”|
|“You just said a lot of bad words...”||—||Justine|
|—||“Well, someone should have worn a shirt, right?”|
|“Probably the kid.”||—|
|—||“The kid, definitely. It felt uncomfortable.”|
|“But at a rave... I feel like that would have been awesome.”||—|
|—||“I know, but the kids make it weird.”|
|“It did get a little weird.”||—|
|—||“I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?”|
Frank's "We Do Not Diddle Kids" song
- Do not diddle kids
- It's no good diddling kids
- I wouldn't do it with anybody younger than my daughter
- And no little kids
- Got to be big
- Younger than my wife
- But older than my daughter
- Something like that!
"Magic's In The Air" by The Gang
- Charlie: Magic's in the air
- Dee, Dennis, and Mac: Magic's in the air...
- Charlie: Lace and silk is everywhere...
- Dee, Dennis, and Mac: Lace and silk...
- Charlie: Struttin' with dramatic flair...
- Dee, Dennis, and Mac: Dramatic flair...
- Charlie: And bright smiles...
- So everyone prepare, for something special tonight...
- Dee, Dennis, and Mac: Here she is, Frank's Little Beauties...
- Charlie: Your heart will go into a cardiac arrest
- 'Cause Frank's Little Beauties are nothing but...
- (Charlie starts to rap)
- Charlie: From state to state, and town to town
- These girls'll turn your frown upside-down!
- Dee, Dennis, and Mac: Uh-huh, uh-huh...
- Charlie: Who's brass and class, and all that stuff?
- These girls'll show you that they're good enough!
- Dee, Dennis, and Mac: They're good, all right!
- Charlie: So put your hands together and settle in
- 'Cause tonight we're gettin' down (get in town)
- Only one contestant wins
- Charlie, Dee, Dennis, and Mac: Frank's Little Beauties crown!
- Charlie: Woah woah woah woah!.. (spoken) Is that it, Artemis?
"Moms Stink" by Dee Reynolds
- Moms stink! Pee-uuu!
- What are you gonna do? Yeah!
- Me and you should go into a secret world
- Where no one tells us what to do
- Moms are stupid! Doyyyyy!
- I'd like to throw them all in the trash! Yeah!
- They're nothin' but a big humungous pain in the butt
- A big humungous pain in my VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGINA!
- Moms are ugly...
- [Note: the song apparently continues past this point, but is cut off here in the episode.]
|Season 7 Episodes|
| 1. "Frank's Pretty Woman"|
2. "The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore"
3. "Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties"
4. "Sweet Dee Gets Audited"
5. "Frank's Brother"
6. "The Storm of the Century"
7. "Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games"
| 8. "The ANTI-Social Network"|
9. "The Gang Gets Trapped"
10. "How Mac Got Fat"
11. "Thunder Gun Express"
12. "The High School Reunion"
13. "The High School Reunion, Part 2: The Gang's Revenge"