|"Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead"|
|Season Three, Episode Three|
|Writer||Rob McElhenney & David Hornsby|
|Air Date||September 20, 2007|
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"Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead" is the third episode of the third season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Frank's ex-wife Barbara dies, leaving behind a big inheritance that Frank and Dee will do anything to get. Meanwhile, Mac, Dennis, and Charlie use Reynolds house as a men's club to make new male friends.
12:00PM on a Monday
Charlie is showing Mac and Dennis a set of knives he bought from an "old magician". They're about to really test them out by throwing them at Dee when they are interrupted by a jubilant Frank coming in, announcing that Dennis and Dee's mother is "dead as disco," killed by a "botched neck lift." He pops open a bottle of champagne to celebrate.
Dennis, Dee, and Frank go to a lawyer's office to hear the reading of Barbara's will. It begins with a section that Barbara wants read to Frank, in which she insults him, and says that all of his money will be left to Bruce Mathis, "a handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis." Frank and Dee yell at and question The Lawyer as though they are addressing Barbara directly, and The Lawyer has to repeatedly remind them that he's just reading the will. Dennis is left the house, on the condition that Frank never be allowed in. Dee gets nothing, and the will calls her "a disappointment and a mistake" (even though, of course, she and Dennis are twins). She also says that she wants to be buried in her jewelry. Dee and Frank again start yelling at The Lawyer and Frank tells him to tell Barbara that she is a "god-damn whore", and the Lawyer once again reminds them he didn't know Barbara, and certainly can't give her any messages. After Dee and Frank storm out, Dennis remains behind to give The Lawyer a fist bump to thank him for the house. After her leaves, The Lawyer settles back into his seat, obviously rattled by what has just happened.
Frank goes to Dee's apartment, saying he has a plan to get back at Barbara. Dee has a plan of her own: she is planning to steal the jewelry out of Barbara's grave. Frank tells her his plan: Frank will pose as her fiance.
At Dennis' new house, Charlie comes running downstairs, excited, saying he has found Dee's middle school diary. Dennis and Mac are far less excited, and make it clear to him that they will not read her diary for it. Dennis says that they should throw a "big-ass party", but it soon becomes clear that they don't have any friends outside the Gang (Mac, for example, soon discovers the only numbers in his phone are Charlie and Dennis.) They mention older friends they used to have: Doolie, who Mac reminds them killed himself a few years ago, "Stash", who Charlie set on fire, "Z-Man", whose sister Mac banged, and "Sully", who Charlie says has a restraining order out on him (and who doesn't have a restraining order out on Charlie?) They realize that they must make new friends to "preserve their legacy".
Back at Dee's apartment, Frank explains the plan. He is attempting to look like a "liberal yahoo", which to Frank means fake ponytail, fake soul patch, and a psychedelic hippy shirt. Dee is very uncomfortable with this "grift", however, and is very reluctant to engage in any display of affection with Frank, such as holding hands.
When Bruce arrives, Bruce gets Dee and Frank, who is going by the name "Seamus", in a group hug. That goes well, until Bruce explains that he missed Barbara's funeral because he was in Uganda "doing work with the AIDS crisis there." This freaks Frank out, and he recoils, accusing Bruce of trying to give him AIDS. Dee tries to explain this as his "dry sense of humor" and his "germ phobia". Bruce assures Dee that the money will all go to help the less fortunate, and at that point Dee makes the pitch: Bruce should give them the money to help them adopt "a ton of kids." Bruce says he'll have to think about it and leaves. As soon as he is out of the apartment, Bruce calls his assistant and tells her to cancel all his appointments, saying "It's time my daughter and that idiot who raised her learn a lesson."
At his house, Dennis, Charlie, and Mac work on a flier that they can send out to get new friends. it says that they are "three cool guys" looking for other "cool guys to hang out at our party mansion." Charlie and Dennis think that sounds gay, so Mac throws the line "Nothing sexual" in (a few times). Mac wants the flier to be in the shape of a beer mug, but they decide in the end to go with a bicep.
They go to a sporting goods store to start handing out their flier. Dennis compliments a guy on some pants he's going to buy, and hands him the flier...which has ended up looking like a penis. The guy Dennis approaches says he'll swing by, but Dennis sees him crumple it up and toss it away. Mac, meanwhile, is also explainng that the flier is not a penis, which isn't helped when Dennis comes up and says that a "perfect blond guy" just "slipped through my fingers." Charlie has found someone: a Latin guy named Ernesto who looks and sounds like someone out of a romance novel, who is buying a crossbow "to pierce my broken heart." Dennis and Mac are not as impressed by Ernesto. Charlie refers to the flier as the "dick flier", apparently thinking that was what they were going for with it.
Dee and Frank wait for Bruce to come back with the money. Frank, who has burned the clothes he was wearing when Bruce hugged him, is squeezed into one of Dee's track suits. Bruce arrives with some children in tow, saying that they are some of his adopted children.
At the mansion, their "guests" arrive; two nerdy guys in togas. Mac and Dennis try to impress on him how crazy they are, Mac by smashing some stuff, and that they are going to be talking about how crazy it was at the Party Mansion for the rest of their lives: "You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass." The two guests look very nervous, obviously wondering what they have gotten themselves into.
Upstairs, Ernesto reads Charlie a section of Dee's middle school diary, in which she talks about crying herself to sleep after a disastrous school dance, and how she was forced to wear her back brace, which led the other students to chant "Aluminum Monster!" at her. Charlie laughs, but Ernesto is obviously moved by what he is reading and tells him that it's not funny, and that Charlie should think of Dee as his "soul mate in pain."
At Dee's apartment, the kids are running wild, and Dee is questioning the "grift." Bruce asks to speak to them. He tells them that he's ready to write a check, but first he wants to make sure that Dee and "Seamus'" relationship is as happy as it can be...so he needs to observe them at their most intimate. He wants to see them making love.
At the party mansion, one of the guests has passed out, and Dennis and Mac are tying up the other one and threatening to throw the passed out guy off the roof. In Dee's room, Charlie and Ernesto are weeping as they read Dee's diary, and as they embrace and weep bitterly, we see one of the guests fly by the window.
At Dee's apartment, Bruce is about to observe Dee and "Seamus" making love. They are reluctant to begin, and when Bruce suggests that "Seamus" begin by kissing Dee's neck, he says that they don't kiss, and he gest off the bed, saying he "likes to watch." Bruce says that Dee should now "pleasure herself", and at that point Dee calls a halt to things,saying that they are saving themselves for marriage. Bruce then says he is a minister, and he can marry them tomorrow. They seem willing to continue.
At the Party Mansion, the wedding of Dee and "Seamus" is about to begin. The guests are Charlie, Mac, Dennis, and the two toga-wearing guests from the night before, bound and gagged. They exchange vows, and it is at that point that Bruce reveals that he's known that "Seamus" was Frank all along. Charlie notices Ernesto is missing, and goes to get him. Bruce says that he wanted to "push them to their limit", but it appears they have none. Dennis asks Bruce to pronounce Dee and Frank man and wife one more time, so he can get a closeup. Bruce asks for the camera—and as soon as he gets it he says he's going to give The Lawyer the tape to show that Dennis has violated the will and should have the house taken away. Meanwhile, the two toga-wearing dudes escape, and Charlie reveals that Ernesto robbed the house. Frank apologizes to Dee that the grift failed, and Dee says she's still planning on getting the jewels, so Frank tells her "I'll go get the shovels."
- Dee and Frank - Team up to scam Bruce Mathis out of the money that Barbara left him.
- Charlie, Dennis and Mac - Team up to throw a big party in Dennis' new house that he inherited from his mother.
- Jose Yenque as Ernesto
- Sam Witwer as Muscular Guy
- Marcus Toji as Phil
- Edward Kiniry-Ostro as Jonathan
- Cy Carter as Blonde Guy
- This episode marks the first appearance of the Attorney ("The Lawyer") and the last actual appearance of Bruce Mathis (later, his photo will be involved in the plot of 04x02).
- This is the first time we hear that Dee's nickname during high school was "Aluminum Monster". An episode later in this season, "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo", will go more into this, and the back brace that gave Dee her nickname will actually make an appearance in the 7th Season finale, "The High School Reunion, Part 2: The Gang's Revenge". (The fact that Dee wore a back brace is mentioned in the Season 1 episode "Underage Drinking: A National Concern", but not the "Aluminum Monster" nickname. She also wears a back brace as part of her "handicapped" disguise in "Charlie Gets Crippled", but it looks different than the back brace she wears in "The High School Reunion, Part 2: The Gang's Revenge".)
- Frank: You know who I am?
- Bruce: Of course I know. You're the little asswipe who raised my children and turned them into animals, into monsters who- who lie and steal and take advantage of people and contribute absolutely nothing to society.
- Mac: (reading the text of the flier) "What up? We're three cool guys who are looking for other cool guys who want to hang out in our party mansion. Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged. If you're fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things. Again, nothing sexual."
- Mac: (greeting their guests) Welcome to the Party Mansion, bitches!
- Dennis: Get your asses in here!
- Guest #1: Where is everyone?
- Guest #2: Where are all the chicks?
- Dennis: It's just you and us, and guess what, we got the PARTY MANSION all to ourselves!
- Mac: There ain't no rules in the Party Mansion! Check this out, bitches! (He starts smashing random things)
- Dennis: Nice one!
- Mac: Let's stop being pussies and funnel some beer!
- Guest #2: I don't really drink...
- Mac: Wrong answer, bitch!
- Dennis: You're a drinker tonight!
- Mac: That's right, you guys are gonna be telling stories the rest of your life about how crazy we are!
- Dennis: Yeah, you're gonna be telling everyone how we're like those guys from Jackass, how we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses...
- Mac: That's right! You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, Four Eyes!
- Dennis: You're gonna be talking about this night for the rest of your lives!