The following are quotes by Charlie Kelly.
- Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous, because, you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Hannabry, but he doesn't like Erin Hannabry; it was all a bunch of bull."
- Season One, "Underage Drinking: A National Concern"
- Charlie: (to Dennis) What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that’s a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your mom.
- Season Two, "Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom"
- Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man ... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.
- Season Two, "The Gang Exploits A Miracle"
- Charlie: (to Dennis and Mac) Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!”
- Season Three, "The Gang Sells Out"
- Charlie: (to Dee) All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual, and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
- Season Three, "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo"