Artemis Dubois is Dee's friend from acting class. She also happens to be Dee's only friend, even though they really don't seem to like each other. Artemis is very outgoing sexually and makes strong-handed moves on men. She has an on-again/off-again relationship with Frank Reynolds and upon meeting Dennis for the first time, licked his face.
Artemis is a recurring character and has appeared in the first nine seasons. She is portrayed by Artemis Pebdani.
She has a bleached asshole.
Artemis is overly serious about her acting craft and displays bizarre habits and outbursts. Artemis was also responsible for translating Charlie's notes for "The Nightman Cometh" into a legible format.
Artemis is very open about her sexuality. Artemis often offers to perform in the nude, even when it is unnecessary. ("Charlie Has Cancer") Artemis has a notable appearance in the episode "Who Pooped the Bed?", in which she announces to a crowded nightclub that she has a "bleached asshole" and that she is going to attract men by taking off her bra in order to "blast my nips".
Artemis takes great interest in many of the Gang's doings. She hangs around because she is either actually concerned about their objectives or simply entertained by their absurd antics. ("Who Pooped the Bed?")
When the gang assumes Charlie is going to die of cancer, Dee brings Artemis in to audition to be a "Coyote Ugly"-style bartender for Paddy's. Dennis is immediately upset at seeing her appearance and attitude, but she continues to perform her acting routine on top of the bar, ending with licking Dennis' face. ("Charlie Has Cancer")
Dee recruits Artemis to join her in a street theatre piece outside Paddy's, which is brought to a crashing halt when Charlie runs off the crowd who has gathered to watch. ("Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass")
Frank sees a vision of Artemis in the toilet of the McPoyle family's RV while he is tripping on acid. In reality, he's standing in a trash can with the real Artemis gawking at him. ("The Gang Gets Invincible")
Artemis joins Dee and The Waitress on a "Sex And the City"-night out on the town, but her behavior isn't quite what Dee was hoping for, as Artemis keeps ordering drinks with "bomb" in the name rather than the Cosmo that Dee thinks she should get, announces that she is going to "take [her] top off and blast [her] nips", and then, as a capper, tells a couple of "hotties" that come to their table the immortal line: "Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole" (she defends herself by noting "They were gonna find out anyway"). Later, she gives her own, rather complicated, theory of who pooped in Frank and Charlie's bed. ("Who Pooped the Bed?")
Artemis assists Charlie in directing his play, and transcribes the play from the bizarre series of images that he "wrote" to actual words. ("The Nightman Cometh")
Artemis is a guest at a bachelorette party Dee throws for The Waitress. At the party, she and Frank -- who are involved in a sexual relationship based on food fetish play -- engage in very public displays of affection, feeding each other food out of Dee's refrigerator. When Frank asks if Dee has any bacon bits he can put in Artemis' hair "so that they rain down on me when we bang", Artemis says it makes her feel "like a Cobb salad". Later on, during the party itself, Artemis talks about how Brad had a "pizza face" during high school, which led both Dee and The Waitress, among others, to dump him. Later, Frank and Artemis leave the party to go "get sweaty in a Wendy's bathroom", but Frank later reveals that "something I did with the onions TO MYSELF" bummed Artemis out and has, presumably, ended their relationship for a while. ("The Waitress is Getting Married")
When Dee sees that Ben, the soldier she has been corresponding with as "Desert Rose", is in a wheelchair, Dee denies that she is Desert Rose, and tells him that Artemis is actually a Desert Rose (though she was dressed rather as the "Desert Grape"). When it turns out that Ben was in a wheelchair temporarily, due to a knee injury, Dee tries to get him back. ("The Gang Wrestles for the Troops")
After the rest of the Gang leaves Dee tied to Charlie and Frank's bed, meaning she will miss the Josh Groban concert she so desperately wanted to see, she hears a message Artemis is leaving for Frank, saying "Tell Dee to get her ass down here" and that "Groban is feeling frisky." ("Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down")
Artemis was a guest at the Halloween party where the Gang thinks Dee got impregnated. Frank and Artemis have apparently resumed their food-fetish based relationship by having sex in a dumpster behind a Wendy's (and both of them start to describe something that they did with a hamburger bun, which no one else wants to hear). She makes out with Charlie to make Frank jealous. In her retelling of the events of the party, Artemis says that she heard Mac and Dee having sex, which makes Mac reluctantly confess he banged Margaret McPoyle. ("Who Got Dee Pregnant?")
Artemis works the sound board at the "Frank's Little Beauties" pageant (when Dee questioned why her, Mac says she's about the only one they can get, and "we don't have a very deep bench"). Artemis smokes pot throughout the entire pageant. When Benjamin's father comes over objecting to the shirtless dance he is doing for the pageant, Artemis rather brusquely shoos him away. It becomes all too clear that she doesn't actually know how to run the board, however, when she cannot figure out how to keep Frank's musings on how he doesn't care what happens to his body after he dies off the PA. ("Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties")
Artemis applies makeup to Bonnie Kelly before she gives a speech at the "beef & beer" that The Gang is having to raise money for her treatment for cancer, attempting to make her look sicker than she actually is to play on the sympathy of the crowd. When Charlie admonishes Artemis for smoking around his mother even though she (supposedly) has lung cancer, Artemis points out that she is not smoking tobacco. It's not actually said what she is smoking, but you should be able to figure that out for yourself. ("Charlie's Mom Has Cancer")
As part of their effort to win an award for Paddy's, Frank and Artemis decide to put on a "burlesque show" at Paddy's. All we see of this show, however, is Frank straddling Artemis' lap and yelling at her to "get the bottle out." It's not explained where the bottle is, exactly, but, unfortunately, you can probably guess. ("The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award")
Artemis plays the priest at the wedding of Riggs and Murtaugh's daughter, complete with fake beard. ("The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6")
- Season One: "Charlie Has Cancer"
- Season Two: "Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass"
- Season Three: "The Gang Gets Invincible"
- Season Four: "Who Pooped the Bed?", "The Nightman Cometh"
- Season Five: "The Waitress Is Getting Married"', "The Gang Wrestles for the Troops"
- Season Six: "Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down" (voice only), "Who Got Dee Pregnant?"
- Season Seven: "Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties"
- Season Eight: "Charlie's Mom Has Cancer"
- Season Nine: "The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award", "The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6"
- Season Eleven: "Being Frank"
- Other: Artemis Pebdani Auditions (obviously, before Season One; probably, it have something to do with Original Pilot), Dee and Artemis at an Audition, Going Back to Philly (music video), The Nightman Cometh Live!, Phindin' Love in Philly (The Gang's Dating Profiles), Lethal Weapon 5 - extended cut (extra on the Season 6 DVD), Artemis Tours Philadelphia
Artemis has dated the following people:
- Frank Reynolds - They banged in "The Waitress Is Getting Married", "Who Got Dee Pregnant?", and "The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award"
- Ben Smith - Dee and Artemis competed for Ben in in "The Gang Wrestles for the Troops".
- "Dubois" - is the last name of Blanche from "A Streetcar Named Desire". Also, it's the last name of the main character from Jean-Claude Van Damme's movie "The Quest".
- Artemis reveals her last name of Dubois in the live stage show for "The Nightman Cometh".
- In her first episode, Artemis acts out scenes from Coyote Ugly, which featured actress Kaitlin Olson in a small part.
- Along with the Waitress and Charlie's mom, Artemis is the only recurring character who appeared in the first six seasons of the show.
- The Waitress and Artemis are the only recurring characters to appear in the first nine seasons of the show.
- Artemis does not appear in Season 10 of the show but does re-appear in Season 11.
- Artemis has a bleached asshole. ("Who Pooped the Bed?") And by the way, she's a highly allergic to latex (here is why Artemis do not allows condoms in her bedroom). (The Gang's Dating Profiles)
- She played a prostitute in the movie Mac and Dennis directed, Lethal Weapon 5. Her character tells Riggs and Murtaugh about the Indian chief who is poisoning the city's water supply. (Her scene is not seen in the episode "Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth", but can be seen in the extended cut on the Season 6 DVD set.)
|—||“(before she gave Charlie a kiss) I'm insanely high on mescaline!..”|